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En una ciudad del norte mexicano

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Por - 26 agosto, 2022 - 00:10 a.m.
En una ciudad del norte mexicano

En una ciudad del norte mexicano había un meteorólogo que jamás acertaba en los pronósticos que hacía por la radio en el noticiero de la noche. Si anunciaba lluvia para el siguiente día no caía ni gota; si predecía cielo  despejado la bóveda celeste se llenaba de nubes tormentosas y se abatía un tremendo chaparrón. 

De  ese señor se comentaba que el único acierto que tuvo en su vida profesional fue cuando declaró: “Ayer cayó una nevada”. Una vez oyó decir  que en cierta ciudad fronteriza americana, cercana de la suya, había un pronosticador del clima cuyos vaticinios no fallaban nunca. Hizo viaje especial a fin de conocerlo, y cuando se vio ante él le suplicó que compartiera con él su sabiduría de meteorólogo infalible. ¿Cómo hacía para no errar nunca en  sus pronósticos? El hombre accedió a revelarle su secreto, previo juramento de guardarlo sólo para sí. 

Le dijo: “Por la noche oigo en el radio los pronósticos que hace un pendejo en tal ciudad, y lo único que hago es predecir lo contrario de lo que él vaticina Si anuncia lluvia yo digo que el día será seco; si pronostica cielo claro yo auguro nublados. De esa manera nunca fallo”. Cambiando lo que haya que cambiar, y quitando el sonoro adjetivo usado por el sapiente meteorólogo, la historieta es aplicable al Presidente López: para estar en la razón basta sostener lo contrario de lo que él afirma; colocarse en la postura opuesta a la que él toma. Aun así hoy expreso mi acuerdo con una decisión anunciada por López Obrador: la de eliminar el horario de verano. 

No tengo datos duros sobre el tema, y ni siquiera blandos, pero entiendo que el tal horario se implantó principalmente para beneficiar a las industrias, y me consta que jode en muchas maneras a la gente común. Mis nietos, por ejemplo, van a la escuela cuando aún es de noche. A mí el dicho horario me provoca siempre una especie de jet lag del cual tardo días en recuperarme, sólo para experimentar otro cuando el horario vuelve a cambiar. Ojalá el horario de verano desaparezca. Sería un acierto de la 4T. El primero quizá en lo que va del sexenio. “Mi esposa es un objeto sexual”. 

Un tipo le hizo a otro esa inusual declaración. “¡Cómo!” -se asombró el oyente. “Sí -confirmó el tipo-. Cada vez que le pido sexo, objeta”. En una fiesta un vanidoso -y enfadoso- invitado le dijo sin qué ni para qué a una linda chica: “Soy de la Sociedad Protectora de Animales”. Preguntó ella: “¿Protector o protegido?”.  El nuevo paciente le informó al doctor Duerf , siquiatra: “Acostumbro hablar conmigo mismo”. “Eso no es problema -le indicó el analista-. 

Recuerde usted lo que dice el otro Machado en su poema ‘Retrato’: ‘Converso con el hombre que siempre va conmigo / -quien habla solo espera hablar a Dios un día-, / mi soliloquio es plática con ese buen amigo / que me enseñó el secreto de la filantropía’. Dicho sea de paso, yo tengo para mí que en los dos últimos versos de esta enigmática cuarteta el poeta alude a Cristo y a su doctrina de amor al prójimo. Pero vuelvo a lo nuestro. No es anormal que hable usted consigo mismo”. 

Preguntó el consultante: “¿Por teléfono?”. Doña Panoplia de Altopedo, dama de buena sociedad, fue a visitar a su amiga Gules en la finca rural a donde iba a pasar la temporada cálida.  Como de costumbre la propietaria envió a su cochero en un carrito tirado por caballo para recoger a la visitante en la estación del tren y llevarla a la finca. En el trayecto doña Panoplia observó con disgusto que el cochero golpeaba con su látigo al jamelgo. Le preguntó, irritada: “¿Tiene que pegarle así al caballo en las ancas?”. Respondió el auriga: “También le pego en los éstos, pero eso lo dejo para las subidas”.

FIN.

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